Bullying is a learned behavior. It is when a person or group tries to hurt or control another person in a harmful way. There are three aspects of this hurtful behavior that almost all experts agree on; in bullying there is a difference in power between those being hurt and those doing the hurting, bullying involves hurtful behaviors that are repeated and intentional. Bullying is not about a conflict that needs resolving. In bullying, the power is all in one person or a group's control. People who bully others show loathing and contempt for those they are trying to hurt. There are lots of different kinds of bullying, and they all hurt. Sometimes bullying means hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, or making someone do something they don’t want to do. Sometimes bullying is using mean words or threats, calling someone names, or saying bad things behind their back. Bullying can even mean making someone feel unsafe or scared, leaving them out of games, or making them feel that they’re not important. Bullying can be verbal, physical, social (shunning, ignoring or leaving someone out on purpose), and also involve cyberbullying (being bullied through the information and communication technologies. See www.cyberbullying.org for more information about this). People who bully think that it makes them important, but it really just makes them mean. Bullying should NOT be considered a "Normal part of life". Bullying among children is aggressive behavior that is persistent, intentional, and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Bullying can take many forms such as: hitting or punching (physical bullying); teasing or name-calling (verbal bullying); intimidation using gestures or social exclusion (nonverbal bullying or emotional bullying); and sending insulting messages by e-mail (cyberbullying). Bullying is when a person repeatedly intimidates or acts aggressively toward those with less power or ability to defend themselves. Bullying is more than normal childhood conflict or occasional unkind words or actions between children; it is an early form of violence. Bullying is when a person gets singled out to be intimidated or picked on over and over again by someone who has more power. Bullying can be physical, verbal, or psychological. About 1 out of every 10 children is bullied. That means that in an average elementary school classroom at least 2 or 3 children are being bullied. In some schools, more than half the students worry about being bullied. Children may avoid bathrooms, the cafeteria, or the playground for fear of being hurt, picked on, or humiliated by other children. Some children miss school days because of bullying. Others go to school feeling worried or sick and may have trouble concentrating because of it.

While anyone can have trouble with a bully now and then, bullies tend to seek out those who are easiest to intimidate. Children who have few friends, cry easily, are timid or insecure, or have trouble sticking up for themselves are easy targets for bullies. Children who pester others, get easily upset, or lose self control may get bullied because the bully can get a big reaction from them. No one deserves to be bullied, and all children have a right to feel safe at school. Even children who do not get bullied are still bothered when they witness bullying in school.

Bullies can be boys or girls. Boys tend to bully with physical aggression and pick on those who are smaller or weaker than themselves. Girls are more likely to use mean gossip, unkind notes, or social forms of intimidation when they bully. Bullies often are children who lack compassion and a sense of how other people feel. Bullies like /need to dominate others to feel powerful themselves. Many bullies have parents who have modeled aggression as a way to get what they want. Some bullies feel hurt or powerless inside because they have been bullied themselves. However, bullying is not a remedy for feeling powerless. Bullying gives only a false sense of power and usually costs a bully “real” popularity, friendships, and more. As many as 1 of 4 children who are bullies in elementary school have a criminal record by age 30.

There are lots of reasons why people bully. Bullying is a behavior, it is something people learn. Bullies may also be bullied themselves, or they were bullied at one time or another in their lifetime. People bully because it makes them feel superior to others. They might get power and strength from bullying others. People bully to get attention. They think that it makes them popular, or that bullying may be a way to fit in. Bullying doesn't make someone popular or cool, it just makes them mean. People who bully are often scared about something about themselves, so they try to scare others to hide their feelings or pick on others so they won't get picked on first. Some people who bully are unhappy and they take out their unhappiness on others. Some people who bully feel little or no responsibility for their actions, and often feel the need to control others and may always feel the need to win. Some people who bully may be jealous of the people they are bullying. Some people who bully are unable to understand and appreciate the feelings of others. Most bullies always choose the one person they know they can win against (basically bullies are chickens). People who bully are excellent observers of human behavior. People who bully use 'differences' to make victims feel badly about themselves, such as "You're ugly, stupid" etc. as an excuse for their bad behavior. It's not the “difference” in the victim that's the problem - it's the bullies who have the problem because they are afraid, jealous, envious, cruel, angry, insecure, and unhappy. Remember, it's our "differences" that makes us special and unique. You should be proud of who you are. Don't let people who bully take that away from you. Don't give people who bully that power over you. Even though people who bully cause a great deal of pain for others, they need help too. If they do not learn how to change their behaviors, they usually end up in trouble with the law. By age 24, 60 percent of people who were childhood bullies have at least one criminal conviction. People who continue to bully have many other problems as adults such as more alcoholism, antisocial personality disorders and need for mental health services. Some people who bully may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the person being bullied feel. The best defense against a people who bully is to LIKE YOURSELF, be CONFIDENT in YOURSELF, and DONT LOOK LIKE A VICTIM. You should never try to beat people who bully at their own game. You can't bully someone who bullies into not being a bully. If you need help, tell an adult you know and trust. It is hard to solve such problems on your own.

People may bully or harass others because they see them as different: their size, race, gender or what they wear. It could be because they want to belong to a particular group. It could be fear or jealousy or distrust. It could be lack of knowledge or misunderstanding. It could be that the person who is bullying is being bullied or harassed by others. A person who is bullying may want to show they have more power than anyone else. Bullies can be boys or girls. Boys tend to bully with physical aggression and pick on those who are smaller or weaker than themselves. Girls are more likely to use mean gossip, unkind notes, or social forms of intimidation when they bully. Bullies are children who lack compassion and a sense of how other people feel. Bullies like to dominate others to feel powerful themselves. Many bullies have parents who have modeled aggression as a way to get what they want. Some bullies feel hurt or powerless inside because they have been bullied themselves. However, bullying is not a remedy for feeling powerless. Bullying often gives only a false sense of power and usually costs a bully popularity, friendships, and more. As many as 1 of 4 children who are bullies in elementary school have a criminal record by age 30.

Bullying can be a sign of other serious antisocial and violent behavior. Youth who frequently bully their peers are more likely than others to

• Get into frequent fights,
• Be injured in a fight,
• Vandalize property,
• Steal property,
• Smoke,
• Use illicit substances,
• Be truant from school,
• Drop out of school,
• Carry a weapon.

Youth who are the targets of bullying behavior may exhibit signs of

• Lower self-esteem,
• Feelings of fear,
• School phobia and absenteeism,
• Nightmares and sleeplessness,
• Depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide,

Research that considers the full range of bullying behaviors is finding that bullying in the United States is widespread and its consequences are more enduring than suspected. In a nationally representative survey of school children, nearly 30 percent reported moderate and more frequent involvement in having been bullied, in bullying or both within the school year (Nansel, et al; 2003).

Whether they are perpetrators or targets of bullying, these children face difficulties adjusting to their environments, socially and emotionally.

The cost of our failure to stop bullying in our schools is enormous. They are measured in money, time, emotional distress, physical pain, and loss of future success.

For the targets, who often endure their school years in a more or less permanent state of anxiety, the effects include not only the cuts, bruises and wounding of physical assaults. Physical, verbal and relational bullying can all result in reluctance to go to school, repeated headaches and stomach pains, bed-wetting, poor appetite, anxiety, irritability, aggression and depression. Bullying is a direct attack on a student’s status and sense of belonging to their peer group and often results in low self-esteem. In the most extreme cases targets have taken out their anger through school shootings or by committing suicide.

Students who habitually bully miss the opportunity to learn an alternative to aggression. Research tells us that they often develop a habitual tendency to abuse power. Approximately 25 percent of school bullies will be convicted of a criminal offense in their adult years.

The students on the sidelines (the "bystanders") commonly report extreme discomfort at witnessing bullying, but say that they do not know how to prevent it. They are silenced by their fear that bullies will target them if they speak out. Often they grow up believing that they are powerless to stop abusive behaviors in others.

For the school, the effects are time wasted in tackling a problem that is resistant to change, absenteeism, compromised student academic performance, low teacher morale, negative perceptions of the school by the wider community and increasing parent hostility. The school campus becomes a place where diversity is unvalued and unprotected. Schools are increasingly subject to litigation for failing to provide a safe learning environment and in some cases are being held responsible for the suicides and school shootings by students targeted by bullies.

There are long term effects of bullying-poor life skills, loss of quality relationships, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, multiple somatic complaints. School academic scores may suffer; there is an impact on finances of school due to absenteeism, staff turnover, property damage.

A child might indicate by his behavior that he is being bullied. Adults should be alert to these possible signs. If a child:

• is scared of walking to or from school;
• doesn't want to ride the school bus;
• begs to be driven to school;
• changes his usual routine;
• is unwilling to go to school;
• becomes withdrawn anxious or lacking in confidence;
• starts stammering;
• runs away or attempts or threatens suicide;
• cries himself to sleep at night or has nightmares;
• feels ill in the morning;
• begins to do poorly in school work;
• comes home with torn clothes or damaged books;
• has possessions or money end up missing";
• comes home hungry (money / lunch has been stolen);
• asks for money or starts stealing money (to pay off the bully);
• has unexplained cuts or bruises;
• becomes aggressive, disruptive or unreasonable;
• bullies other children or siblings;
• stops eating;
• is afraid to say what's wrong;
• gives improbable excuses for any of the above.

Adapted from a publication of the North Carolina Cooperative Extension.

Look for signs such as:

• fear of going to school
• lack of friends
• missing belongings
• torn clothing
• increased fearfulness and anxiety.

You can find out a lot by taking an interest in what your child does at school. Talk about their day. Let them know you are interested by asking questions about what was good at school today, what could have been better? Don't accept 'Aww nothing'.

Let your child know:

• that you are pleased that they have told you
• that you believe them
• that it is not their fault and you are sorry it has happened
• don't trivialize it. Take it seriously because bullying and harassment can have serious long-term consequences.

Do encourage your student to contact the most appropriate person at the school.

If it is happening in a class then they need to tell that teacher or the head of the department.

If it is happening in the playground then they need to tell the play-yard monitor teacher, counselor or guidance officer, or the anti-bullying or anti-harassment officer (peer or staff)

You may want to call the school to check that your child has spoken to someone about the problem.

It is important to

• Listen to your child and make it clear that it is not their fault.
• Talk to other parents, or a support group, about strategies that might help.
• Raise the issue of bullying with your child’s school. Find out what the school intends to do and what the current bullying policy is. If not satisfied with the actions of this school, make this clear to the relevant authorities.
• Help your child develop strategies to deal with the bullying. These include communication skills and assertiveness.
• Encourage the implementation of these strategies. Help them to find ways to change things - help them to see what they can change.
• Become aware of your own reactions.
• Your child should not be expected to handle bullying on their own.

In bullying situations, there typically is an imbalance of power, so expecting kids to handle it themselves is usually not reasonable or helpful.

Alternate strategies:

Help them understand:

There are lots of reasons why people bully.

• Bullying is a behavior, it is something people learn.
• Bullies may also be bullied themselves, or they were bullied at one time or another in their lifetime.
• People bully because it makes them feel superior to others. They might get power and strength from bullying others.
• People bully to get attention. They think that it makes them popular, or that bullying may be a way to fit in. Bullying doesn't make someone popular or cool, it just makes them mean.
• People who bully are often scared about something about themselves, so they try to scare others to hide their feelings or pick on others so they won't get picked on first.
• People who bully are unhappy and they take out their unhappiness on others. People who bully feel little or no responsibility for their actions, and often feel the need to control others and may always feel the need to win.
• People who bully may be jealous of the people they are bullying.
• People who bully are unable to understand and appreciate the feelings of others. People who bully always choose the one person they know they can win against (basically bullies are chickens).
• People who bully are excellent observers of human behavior.
• People who bully use 'differences' to make victims feel badly about themselves, such as "You're ugly, stupid" etc. as an excuse for their bad behavior. It's not the 'difference' in the victim that's the problem - it's the bullies who have the problem because they are afraid, jealous, envious, cruel, angry, insecure, and unhappy.

Remember, it's our "differences" that makes us special and unique. You should be proud of who you are. Don't let people who bully take that away from you. Don't give people who bully that power over you.

Even though people who bully cause a great deal of pain for others, they need help too. If they do not learn how to change their behaviors, they usually end up in trouble with the law. By age 24, 60 percent of people who were childhood bullies have at least one criminal conviction. People who continue to bully have many other problems as adults who show more alcoholism, antisocial personality disorders and need for mental health services.

Some people who bully may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the person being bullied feel.

The best defense against a person who bullies is to LIKE YOURSELF, be CONFIDENT in YOURSELF, and DONT LOOK LIKE A VICTIM. You should never try to beat people who bully at their own game. You can't bully someone who bullies into not being a bully. If you need help, tell an adult you know and trust. It is hard to solve such problems on your own.

• Encourage your child to report bullying incidents to you or another familiar adult.
• Let your child know that he has made the right choice by reporting the incident(s) and assure your child that he is not to blame.
• Validate your child's feelings by letting him know that it is normal to feel hurt, sad, scared, angry, etc.
• Help your child be specific in describing bullying incidents.
• Ask your child how he has tried to stop the bullying.
• Coach your child in possible alternatives. Avoidance is often the easiest strategy to try first. Play in a different area or play a different game.
• Stay near a supervising adult. Look for ways to find new friends.
• Support your child by encouraging him to extend invitations for friends to play at your home or to attend activities.
• Involve your child in social activities outside of school.
• Encourage your child to continue to talk with you about all bullying incidents.
• Do not ignore your child's report.
• Do not advise your child to physically fight back. Bullying lasts longer and becomes more severe when children fight back. And physical injuries often result.
• Do not confront the child who bullies.
• Do not confront the family of the child who bullies.

While it may seem that many of these suggestions put a lot of responsibility on the “victim” of bullying, it is important to help children who may be vulnerable to being bullied to develop strategies for self-safety first, and deal with the bullies after that.

• Ask the school about their policy and practice on bullying and harassment.
• Work with the school to ensure that your child is safe, that effective consequences are applied and that monitoring at the school is adequate.
• Ask the school to work with the student doing the bullying to help them change their behavior and develop more appropriate social skills.
• Ask the school to inform your child what they are doing to provide protection and support.
• Advocate for involvement of the other student's parents.
• If the bullying is happening on the way to and from school arrange for the child to go to school with older supportive children or take, your child to school if you can until the problem is resolved.
• Ask the school about their policy and practice on bullying and harassment.
• Work with the school to ensure that your child is safe, that effective consequences are applied and that monitoring at the school is adequate.
• Ask the school to work with the student doing the bullying to help them change their behavior and develop more appropriate social skills.
• Ask the school to inform your child what they are doing to provide protection and support.
• Advocate for involvement of the other student's parents.
• If the bullying is happening on the way to and from school arrange for the child to go to school with older supportive children or take, your child to school if you can until the problem is resolved.
• Ask the school about their policy and practice on bullying and harassment.
• Work with the school to ensure that your child is safe, that effective consequences are applied and that monitoring at the school is adequate.
• Ask the school to work with the student doing the bullying to help them change their behavior and develop more appropriate social skills.
• Ask the school to inform your child what they are doing to provide protection and support.
• Advocate for involvement of the other student's parents.
• If the bullying is happening on the way to and from school arrange for the child to go to school with older supportive children or take, your child to school if you can until the problem is resolved.
• Share your child's concerns and specific information around bullying incidents with appropriate school personnel.
• Work with school staff to protect your child from possible retaliation.
• Establish a plan with the school and your child for dealing with future bullying.
• Encourage your child to seek help and to report incidents to someone he feels safe with.
• Use school personnel and other parents as resources in finding positive ways to encourage respectful behaviors at school.
• Volunteer time to help supervise on field trips, on the playground or in the lunchroom.
• Become an advocate for school wide bullying prevention programs and policies.

Advice you can give to yourself and to others who are or might be bullied.

• You need to know that you are NOT alone in being bullied. Being bullied is embarrassing, scary and hurtful, it is normal to feel scared if you are being bullied, but being bullied is NOT normal and you shouldn't have to live with being bullied!
• You need to know that being bullied is NOT your fault. Bullies might tell you mean things about yourself, but don't believe them. Bullies will say what ever they can to try and have power over you. Don't let them!
• You need to know that there are lots of things you can do to help bullying stop, for yourself and for others.

• Don’t keep it to yourself: tell an adult. If you are being bullied, it's very important to tell an adult. It's really hard to stop bullying by yourself. Parents, teachers, principals, sport coaches, Guide and Scout leaders can all help to stop bullying.
• Write down what happened Who was bullying? Where did it happen? Who did what? Who saw it?
• Telling is not tattling. Telling we do to help make things safer and better. Tattling is what people do when they want to get someone else in trouble on purpose.
• Be brave When you're scared of another person, it's hard to be brave. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. If you act as though you're not afraid, it may be enough for a people who bully to leave you alone.
• Stay calm and don't act upset or angry: bullies love to get a reaction. Practice what you'll do and say the next time it happens. If you don't act upset or react the way they want you to, they may get bored and stop.
• Ignore the people who bully. Try to ignore a bully's threats. If you can walk away, it takes a bullies power away because they want you to feel bad about yourself. Don't react. Don't let the people who bully win!
• If ignoring them won't work, tell the people who are bullying to stop, say "Cut it out!", "That's not funny!", "How'd you like it if someone did that to you?" Let the people who bully know that what he or she is doing is stupid and mean.
• Stand up, don't stand back Kids can stand up for each other by telling a people who bully to stop teasing or hurting someone else. You shouldn't try and fight the people who bully . This almost always makes things worse. Walk up to the person being bullied, talk with them and then walk away together.
• Refuse to join in and don't just sit back and watch. The bully wants an audience. You give bullies power when you watch. If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
• Be a friend Kids who are being bullied can sure use a friend. Walk with a friend or two on the way to school or recess or lunch or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same for someone else who's having trouble with a bully. Look out for kids who are new to school, or those kids who always seem to be alone.
• Join a club, a team, or a group This is a great way to make new friends. This really helps when you are new to school.
• Don't fight back First of all it's a dangerous thing to. Secondly, it usually makes things worse for everyone. Besides, you can't bully a bully into changing the way they are acting. Stay with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.
• Sit or walk near an adult or friend Sit near the bus driver. Walk with a teacher or friend during recess or lunchtime.
• Take a different path to and from school
• Leave at different time
• Don't bring expensive stuff to school
• Share your story, find help, support and information on this Web site.
• Make sure the kid who's being bullied tells an adult. Offer to go with them if it will help.
• If they don't want to talk to anybody, offer to talk to someone for them.
• Involve as many people as possible, including other friends or classmates, parents, teachers, school counselors, and the principal.

Remember:

Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Stand up for someone when he or she needs it, and when you need it, someone will stand up for you. Everyone has the right to be respected and the responsibility to respect others!